Fuzzy Names, Sweet Names
by: Dawnell Harrison
As with everything, names go through cycles of change with passing generations. I also tend to think that names have improved immensely since the first Elmas, Minervas, Bufords, and Alfreds graced the baby’s room wearing appropriate nametags on their cribs.
A country of tradition, we still hold tightly to such commoners as Becky, Wendy, Mike and Bill. And being the trendsetters of a diverse time, we also like originality. Girls are acquiring sophistication with names such as Breanna and Kyla while boys are being called Dusty and Cameron, cute yet charming. I do like these names. I even think that the not-so-unique ones are fine. These names have humility and, most importantly, can be spoken without cringing, gagging, or regurgitating. When was the last time you could actually say “Bunny” and control the ruffling of your nose and the higher level of intonation in your voice? (Not to mention avoiding the picture of this girl nibbling on a very orange carrot.) I put her into a category I like to call the ‘itty bitty Bunny and Kitty committee.’
A girl of this stature serves your ex-boyfriend mixed drinks at the local dive bar and leaves the tip on the table because somebody accidentally left it there. She likes to think deeply when scuba diving and yells, “run to second base,” when a tight end gets the football. This type always has straight, white teeth and never gets fired from her cocktail jobs. She’s such an asset. I have my doubts about the advantages being endless though….I mean, how many lawyers, nurses, or even receptionists do you know named “Kitty?”
The next category is sweetly named the ‘Dandy Candy-land committee.’ The sound of these names are enough for a life-time supply of insulin shots and give one a compelling urge to stock-up on countless tubes of toothpaste. For instance, Carmel and Candy….even a salt addict would get cheek pangs simply by the sound. Maybe, just maybe, I am a little prejudiced because my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is named Candy. Before I know her name, I asked him what it was and he told me. I only had to ask him once….the toothache and acne breakout brings back terrible memories.
Yes, I know, you’re wondering if Kitty and Candy work together serving my ex-boyfriend mixed drinks. Not only do they work together, they are also very close. Last week, Carmel overheard Candy telling Kitty, “You’re the best friend I’ve had since my cat, Mufkins, died.”
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Your friends and family. Yes, they love you, and most of them are more than happy to...
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2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss saying that they know what he has been up to, possess incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scare the bejesus out of him.
3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your manager’s chocolate licorice. Not only will you...
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