In terms of recovery outlook, how abused you are doesnt matter as much as how abusive you are.
One of my professional and personal interests has been to interview people who have been extremely abusive and see how they feel about their abusive behavior. When I ask the questions in a non-shaming way, people usually confess to their horrible guilt and shame. They do not let others see this because they feel so bad already that they dont want others to hurt them any further. It is like a child who wont let you take out her splinter for fear that it will make it hurt more than it already does.
One of my clients Michael was a good example of this. He had cheated on his wife several times and hated himself for his behavior. But he tried to hide that tender spot from everyone because his guilt was so painful. He portrayed anger to those he loved in order to shield his wounds of shame. Many people use this same coping mechanism.
If we come to understand this behavior pattern, abusive peoples actions will make a lot more sense to us. Some people think that if they act like grizzly bears on the outside, they can avoid getting hurt because no one will come close enough to hurt them. Well, theyre right about one thing, no one can come close. The problem is that this isolation brings its own kind of pain. In addition, by being harsh and abusive with others, they only add to that mound of shame that they are trying to hide. It makes for a miserable existence. In working so hard to make sure that no one else hurts them, they usually end up hurting themselves at least as badly.
In contrast to this reality, most television shows, movies, and novels make it seem like abusers have no conscience. The classic villain is a person who can carry out all sorts of dastardly deeds without a twinge of conscience. This antagonist is wicked to the bone and can grin with genuine (albeit perverse) pleasure as he causes others to suffer. Most of us come to the conclusion that this is a realistic picture of our own abusers, and that this is how we would feel if we ever chose to follow the same path. Well, before you feel too tempted and start thinking if you cant beat em, join em, let me assure you that this is not the case. It is a very inaccurate portrayal of how life really is.
In reality, abusers hate themselves and their lives, even if they dont show it to the outside world. The only exception to this is a sociopath, and these are very rare. So rare, in fact, that chances are, youve never known one. So we must not think that all the bad people in our lives are sociopaths. Your abusers feel shame and suffer when they hurt you. Sometimes remembering this fact makes it easier to hold back from lashing out. Rest assured that they will reap what they have sown. You dont have to dirty your own hands by trying to get involved in the process.
If you are still not convinced that abusive behavior produces a miserable life, try to think of five people whom you have known personally or known about who were mean and cruel to others during their lives. Look to see how their lives turned out. Sometimes you will have to wait until they are older to see the results. Who still loves them? How is their quality of life? Just maybe, one of them will tell you how he or she spent much of his or her life in self-hatred. They guard this secret very well because they are in such torment, they do not want to let others have a chance to inflict further wounds. Their lives end up so horribly because they hate themselves.
Abusive people can choose to change, but that involves taking a long, hard, honest look at themselves, facing what theyve done, and then working through the shame, pain, sorrow, and anger. Because this is so difficult, most chronically abusive people choose to keep acting-out on others while avoiding self-reflection. You see, someone who has been abused but chooses not to become an abuser can find the courage, given a supportive environment, to face the memories of their abuse and do Anger Work about them.
| About Author Dr.Robert Puff : |
|
Dr. Robert Puff is a psychologist and business consultant who has given almost a thousand media interviews, including magazines, online magazines, TV and radio talk shows. All of Dr. Puff's writings are free, as e-books and unabridged audio recordings at his web-site. If you would like to read or listen to his free numerous selections of how to handle fear, manage anger, reduce stress, go to =>
##lt
gt####lt
gt##http://www.doctorpuff.com/
| |
Article Source: http://www.bharatbhasha.net
Article Url: http://www.bharatbhasha.net/self_improvement.php/140997
Article Added on Wednesday, July 1, 2009
| Other Articles by Dr.Robert Puff | |
Making Anger Work For You
Many people carry around old emotional wounds that they express in a variety of ways such as depression or rage. Anger Work teaches us that In order to heal the wounds, the person needs to specifically focus on the anger within. By focusing on the trauma over and over, the pain will gradually go away, never to affect you again. Anger Work is the path to healing!
Three kinds of people need anger work:
1. Those who know they are angry. 2. Those who are struggling with past events and perhaps...
Shame and Harm to Others
The more things you do to harm others, the more shame you have to heal from. It is true that victims sometimes feel shame over the degrading abuse they have experienced; however, this is much more easily overcome in therapy than the shame you feel over times that you yourself were abusive to others. As surprising as it is, time and time again I have found it to be true that the most important factor in a victims recovery from abuse is not what happened to him or her, but rather what he or she...
Maximizing the Positive at Work
When it comes to work, as with everything else, we need to do our best to minimize the negative aspects and maximize the positive. Every job has its down side. The question is whether there is enough good to balance out the bad. One way to tilt the balance in a positive direction is to choose work that you are passionate about. This can make it easier to tolerate difficult people at work. Another way is to choose a group of people that you enjoy working with, or the freedom of working by...
Inspiring People Who Lived in the Moment
Through the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many incredible people who have had a profound effect on my life. They are wonderful examples of living in the moment; of how practicing this philosophy can change not only the individual who lives in the now, but how much they can affect those around them. I would like to share a couple of their inspirational stories with you.
Verna:
When I was working on a doctorate degree, I had the good fortune of meeting Verna, a wonderful woman...
Experiencing True Sadness and Using Anger Work to Overcome Depression
Do you find yourself suffering from depression? Usually depression results from some sort of trauma that has not been fully addressed. There are only two emotions that can help you overcome it. One is sadness and the other is anger. Sadness and Anger heal; depression does not. Sadness can be a very effective vehicle for healing. The only problem with sadness is that it is such a short leap from there to depression. Depression can keep a person stuck in the same place for years without any...
Things People Do Instead Of Feeling Their Emotions
Many people who have had negative experiences from the past wish to avoid their feelings and they find many ways to do so. Some of these are different kinds of addictions that prevent them from thinking too much or getting in touch with their real feelings. One of the ways these people cope is through one or more of several kinds of addictions.
Some people turn to drugs (prescription or illicit) and alcohol to alter their moods so that they don't have to feel their true responses to the...
Four Lessons from Children Concerning Anger Management
Lesson 1: The pure emotions of anger and sadness are the root cause of our more complicated adult feelings.
When children are traumatized, they heal from it naturally as long as there is a safe environment to do so. Many children experience a wide range of traumas like sexual abuse, death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a new neighborhood, or being teased at daycare. As surprising as it may be, I have observed that there are only two emotions which children express to help themselves heal....
|
| |
