How To Stop The Fighting In Your Relationship
Copyright 2005 Brenda Shoshanna
For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.
What People Get Out of Fighting
It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things arent really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal. Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.
Fighting can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication. Rather than addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.
"Without a good fight, a relationship is over, says Mary, a twenty six year old administrative assistant. The lights have gone off between us. Its a sign my partner no longer cares. Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually shell marry a man with whom she can fight - and survive the storms. I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am. For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned. Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy they desire. Im not letting her walk all over me, Roger would balk whenever his ex wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. Shes trying to tell me Im inadequate, he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. >From Rogers point of view, his very manhood was at stake. However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through. Roger could not pause and realize that his partners needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. However, its impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. As you sow, so shall you reap, is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we alll experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward. There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. Here are a few one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.
Putting An End To The War
1)Stop Blaming While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.
2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Havent I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
3) Choose To Be Happy Rather Than Right - This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible..
4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build a sense of self worth. Treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives.
| About Author Brenda Shoshanna : |
|
Melt away toxic feelings with Dr Shoshannas new book, The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living.) Psychologist, speaker and relationship expert, Dr Shoshanna has provided the only diet youll need from anger. This diet shows us how to give up one form of anger a day and replace it with a healthy, constructive antidote. Discover how anger camouflages itself, pinpoint the 24 forms of anger, learn what to do when youre the subject of anger and much more. Dr. Shohsanna is author of many books, including Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love (Simon and Schuster), Save Your Relationship (21 Laws of Successful Relationships), Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life) Contact Dr Shoshanna at http://www.brendashoshanna.com , or mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com
| |
Article Source: http://www.bharatbhasha.net
Article Url: http://www.bharatbhasha.net/self_improvement.php/33876
Article Added on Thursday, December 15, 2005
LD
| Other Articles by Brenda Shoshanna | |
Five Unfailing Steps to Healing Your Relationship
Many times we begin to feel stuck in our relationships, as though its impossible to make the changes in ourselves that we want to make. Old habits and memories reappear frequently., pulling us back into old patterns and fears..
However, there are easy, unfailing steps we can take to healing our relationship. These steps are easy, enjoyable and life giving, and all that is needed is a willingness to put these simple steps into action one by one.
Step 1: Take responsibility for whatevers...
New Ways of Healing Suffering
When pain and hard times come into our lives, (whether emotionally or physically) we usually tense up to fight our problems, try to figure a solution, and depend upon our logical minds. We feel we must overpower our problems with our expertise. As soon as we feel pain or discomfort, we immediately try to stop it from happening and look for some way to soothe what we are going through. This orientation leads to increasing stress and a never ending battle with all that impinges upon us. After one...
How to Stop the Churning Self The Practice of Mindfulness
If we look honestly at most of our lives, it is easy to see how truly difficult it is to stop ingrained behaviors and responses. It is so natural to be at the mercy of automatic, repetitive, responses. Most of our lives are lived racing from one activity to another, one relationship to the next. We seldom see the person or situation we are facing. Instead we are run by old patterns, repetitive thoughts, persistent desires, fierce appetites and exhausting obsessions. One-pointed mindfulness,...
Why Men Need Adventure And How To Handle It
There are certain men who crave adventure in their relationships and also in their lives. This is the craving to be challenged, grow and become all they are capable of. For some the call comes in connection to work, sports or feats of daring; others hear it in relationship to women, who they see as their primary challenge. This need for adventure in relationship can manifest in various ways.
Some men are drawn to disturbed and disturbing women. They find this exciting and stimulating, despite...
The Art of Creating Win Win Relationships
There are many factors which contribute to creating win-win relationships, but one of the most powerful ones is to understand and practice the power of acknowledgment. Acknowledgment means the willingness to offer honest, positive feedback to another about what they are doing and how it is affecting you. Usually, we focus upon other individual's negativities and how irritating they can be. We gossip about these to friends and family and dwell upon them ourselves. However, when we decide to...
Fearless Relationships
Today fear is rampant in all areas of our lives. There are many ways we seek safe harbor, a place to feel protected and cared for. Many turn to relationships for this comfort. Then, an odd thing happens, the relationship itself causes fear. What makes this happen? How do we build fearless relationships, based on courage and good will?
It has been said that there are only two emotions: love and fear. For some of us, oddly, love is frightening, while fear feels safe. We think fear will warn us...
Let It Be Revealed Secrets of Building Uplifting Relationships
Whatever we are in life, we bring to our relationships. When a relationship begins we may expect to get our needs met, feeling that everything will work out just the way we want it to. Nothing can be further from the truth.
We have been programmed to believe that if we get what we want, we are a success. We want excitement, change, pleasure, stimulation, good friends, praise and happy conversation. This is also what we want from relationships. But for relationships to be truly successful we...
A New Look at Finding Love
Everyone wants love and yet today it seems more difficult than ever to know how to build a lasting relationship and find the fulfillment we desire. In many circles, traditional relationships and commitment are a thing of the past. For many, it has become hard to find a suitable partner and create a lasting home. Both Zen and Jewish practice offer unique point of view about love, which can ease the loneliness many today experience.
In Jewish practice, it is in the very process of being in...
Journey Through Loss And Change
We all feel that the world is stable and secure, that change and loss will not come into our lives. When it does, not only do we experience deep shock and sorrow, but our normal anchors disappear. Confusion, numbness, and helplessness can arise.
Needless to say, it takes time to absorb these changes. Along with a sense of abandonment and sorrow, anger and struggle often replace the comfort and strength an individual needs. Most have little understanding of what they are going through, or what...
How To Handle Infidelity In A Marriage
Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens marriages. A basis of all healthy marriage is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the lies that accompany infidelity that are so devastating. This break of trust need not be fatal; if both parties truly wish to do so it can be repaired. It takes time, patience, wisdom and true dedication for this process to work.
First, it is absolutely necessary to acknowledge what has happened. No step...
| | Click here to see More Articles by Brenda Shoshanna
|
| |
